Yuletide Terrors Volume One: Treevenge

DISCLAIMER: If you don’t care about words and shit, I understand. Scroll all the way down to the bottom for the good stuff. Merry Christmas, you ungrateful bastard.

Dear Nerds,

I deeply apologize for my absence. After Halloween I pretty much go on a Thanksgiving bender until it’s suddenly December and I can’t remember how many leftover turkey sandwiches I’ve eaten. But I’m back. And today is my 30th birthday (shameless birthday plug).

If Halloween, horror, and turkey sandwiches are my first loves, Christmas doesn’t fall too far behind on the list. Hate all you want, but I am a sucker for tacky Christmas lights (follow my Instagram for photos of #ProjectTackyBalcony) and I just can’t get enough of Sharon Jones’ Christmas album (RIP).

When Christmas and horror collide it is truly a beautiful thing. Seasonal horror movies have been around for decades (thank you, Black Christmas) and there are so many wonderful Christmas horror movies that I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and share my favorites with you all month long.

I’m going to start off with a BANG because I take this shit seriously. I could’ve saved this entry for tiny, 8 lb baby jesus’ birthday as the centerpiece of this merry compilation, but I want to establish my street cred and you always have to take out the biggest mother fucker in the yard once you get into prison. Amirite?

Point is, show them that you mean business and the rest is gravy. Mmmm. Gravy. Omg..turkey. Mashed potatoes. Can it please be Thanksgiving every day?

Oh, right – the list. Starting this jolly ride into hell with my ALL. TIME. FAVORITE. Christmas horror movie. It comes from the fantastic and arguably criminally insane director Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun) and it’s called Treevenge. Yes. TREEVENGE.

Say it with me, you falalala loving maniacs, Tree-venge. If it were described by Tina Turner herself it would be simply the best. God damn, girl is a legendary performer.

Outer Space level craziness doesn’t even begin to describe this short film. At under 17 minutes long, it packs more punch, more gore, more camp, and more great one liners than most modern feature length efforts in the last 5 years.

If you are not a fan of outlandish, bizarre, and/or splatter movies, you are NOT the audience for Treevenge. If you love Troma Entertainment, Hobo with a Shotgun, and the basketball scene from Escape from L.A. (so what, it’s in Spanish), THIS IS THE SHORT FILM FOR YOU.

Treevenge is a 2007 short film about what happens when Christmas trees stop being polite, and start getting real. Real pissed, that is. Humans are the scum of the earth and we treat everything like shit. Including our most precious resources – Christmas trees. Imagine a world where you wake up on Christmas morning and instead of opening presents in your fucking one piece jammy jams you are greeted by a bloodthirsty tree hell bent on getting revenge on your sorry ass for allowing folks to chop him and his entire family down in his fucking home (the forest) so that you can put a stupid costume on him for 25 days until you let it brown out and die and throw him out. It’s barbaric!*

*Note: I cut down a live Christmas tree and will never stop. They are the best and they smell better than the artificial ones, even with those fancy scentscicle things. Quite your PETA-ass whining.



31 Nights of Horror IV, Night 6: 2001 Maniacs

31 Nights of Horror, Night 6: 2001 Maniacs

Three sentences review:

2001 Maniacs is so many wonderful and awful things: a remake of  1964’s Two Thousand Maniacs!, a great horror to watch during spring break, and it stars Robert Englund, so you know I’m a fan. The familiar plot follows a bunch of good looking college students and tourists who stray off the main road and end up in a backwards southern town hell bent on turning people into the main course for their Centennial Jubilee. A satisfying amount of cheesiness and god-awful acting is nicely balanced with humor, entertaining death scenes, and just the right amount of gore.

Night 19, The Midnight Meat Train

31 Nights of Horror


Three sentence review:

Oh yes, America, YOU BETCHA there is a movie called “The Midnight Meat Train”  and although it probably reminds you of the nickname of somebody you knew in college, it’s actually pretty scary and worth the watch.  Bradley Cooper (swoon!) plays a very poor photographer who tries to hunt down a serial killer affectionately known as the “Subway Butcher” after he becomes obsessed with the disappearances of several of the butcher’s victims.  The revelation at the film’s conclusion is almost laughable, but this is horror, folks, and we forgive outlandish plots and learn to accept alternate realities… because we can.

So this is why the DC Metro closes at midnight during the week…

Step away from the meat,