HORROR HARVEST 2019, Week One: Pilgrim

What, you think that just because Halloween is over we don’t continue the horrorthon? It’s November and that means I’m counting down the days until I get to enjoy the most delectable dish of the entire year – the leftover turkey sandwich. Until then, let’s be thankful for a bountiful cornucopia of Thanksgiving themed horror. A “horror harvest” if you will. Each week in November I’ll feature a heaping helping of Thanksgiving themed horror. So what are you thankful for? Hopefully this. Because I spend time on these posts. FOR YOU!

Let’s begin with week one’s feature film: Pilgrim. This is the little movie that just would not quit. First of all, I am GRATEFUL that Hulu has continued their “Into the Dark” series with a second season. #BLESSED. October’s Uncanny Annie was a wee bit disappointing start to season two, and at the beginning I was afraid that Pilgrim was also going in that direction. I couldn’t get past the fact that the main pilgrim villains were basically Chip and Joanna Gaines in puritan clothing. However, by the end I was laughing out loud at a few of the gags and was cheering for the effort made by the filmmakers. They really just went for a few things and honestly it made up for the many flaws in this horror fan’s opinion. The movie is all over the place as it clumsily evolves from family drama to wannabe B-movie. But you know what? I’m not mad about it. I’ll even forgive the gratuitous fish-eye and lens flare. I love any scary movie with a creepy children’s choir soundtrack.

A lot of the movie is inexplicable, yes, and there are plenty of flaws. But I am HERE for more Thanksgiving themed horror and I think I will indeed by watching this again next November. And yes, it wouldn’t be an “Into the Dark” entry without a little social commentary. I hope that continues.

Image result for into the dark pilgrim
Image result for into the dark pilgrim
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Yuletide Terrors Volume Two: A Christmas Horror Story

Anthology films. You love them as much as I do, right? For five years in a row I have culminated my annual 31 Nights of Horror with Trick ‘r Treat because I think anthology movies are the bees knees. You get multiple stories in one! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

That’s why I’m elated to review a modern holiday horror anthology, A Christmas Horror Story.

First, a pro tip: when you see a horror movie on Netflix that has higher than a two-star rating you need to pay attention. That means that many REAL people who aren’t amazing horror weirdos like us gave it a good review. This one currently has three stars. Well done.

A Christmas Horror Story features four blustery tales of wintry dismay that will give the whole family a reason to believe in holiday magic. With everything that happens, it seems you’re likely to have a shitty Christmas if you’re a resident of a town called Bailey Downs. Ghosts, changelings, zombies, and Krampus are indeed the reasons for the season.

The film is well made and entertaining, and the twist to one of the main four stories is pretty good. Some of the scenes are cheesy and laughable, but they are a wonderful homage to ridiculous horror premises and the Christmas horror trope in general. As Peter Sobczynski wrote for Rogerebert.com, “Once you’ve seen one homicidal elf, you’ve seen them all”. That’s why we love this genre, though, because anything and everything goes. But the biggest scene stealer of all is William Shatner looking like an adorable grandpa in a Christmas sweater as a radio DJ who gets increasingly hammered and presides over the stories.

This is a great movie to watch over Christmas weekend or, if you’re lucky enough to have one, during your Christmas vacation. It’s an easy watch and a great holiday tradition to start. I give it two Krampus thumbs up.

Yuletide Terrors Volume One: Treevenge

DISCLAIMER: If you don’t care about words and shit, I understand. Scroll all the way down to the bottom for the good stuff. Merry Christmas, you ungrateful bastard.

Dear Nerds,

I deeply apologize for my absence. After Halloween I pretty much go on a Thanksgiving bender until it’s suddenly December and I can’t remember how many leftover turkey sandwiches I’ve eaten. But I’m back. And today is my 30th birthday (shameless birthday plug).

If Halloween, horror, and turkey sandwiches are my first loves, Christmas doesn’t fall too far behind on the list. Hate all you want, but I am a sucker for tacky Christmas lights (follow my Instagram for photos of #ProjectTackyBalcony) and I just can’t get enough of Sharon Jones’ Christmas album (RIP).

When Christmas and horror collide it is truly a beautiful thing. Seasonal horror movies have been around for decades (thank you, Black Christmas) and there are so many wonderful Christmas horror movies that I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and share my favorites with you all month long.

I’m going to start off with a BANG because I take this shit seriously. I could’ve saved this entry for tiny, 8 lb baby jesus’ birthday as the centerpiece of this merry compilation, but I want to establish my street cred and you always have to take out the biggest mother fucker in the yard once you get into prison. Amirite?

Point is, show them that you mean business and the rest is gravy. Mmmm. Gravy. Omg..turkey. Mashed potatoes. Can it please be Thanksgiving every day?

Oh, right – the list. Starting this jolly ride into hell with my ALL. TIME. FAVORITE. Christmas horror movie. It comes from the fantastic and arguably criminally insane director Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun) and it’s called Treevenge. Yes. TREEVENGE.

Say it with me, you falalala loving maniacs, Tree-venge. If it were described by Tina Turner herself it would be simply the best. God damn, girl is a legendary performer.

Outer Space level craziness doesn’t even begin to describe this short film. At under 17 minutes long, it packs more punch, more gore, more camp, and more great one liners than most modern feature length efforts in the last 5 years.

If you are not a fan of outlandish, bizarre, and/or splatter movies, you are NOT the audience for Treevenge. If you love Troma Entertainment, Hobo with a Shotgun, and the basketball scene from Escape from L.A. (so what, it’s in Spanish), THIS IS THE SHORT FILM FOR YOU.

Treevenge is a 2007 short film about what happens when Christmas trees stop being polite, and start getting real. Real pissed, that is. Humans are the scum of the earth and we treat everything like shit. Including our most precious resources – Christmas trees. Imagine a world where you wake up on Christmas morning and instead of opening presents in your fucking one piece jammy jams you are greeted by a bloodthirsty tree hell bent on getting revenge on your sorry ass for allowing folks to chop him and his entire family down in his fucking home (the forest) so that you can put a stupid costume on him for 25 days until you let it brown out and die and throw him out. It’s barbaric!*

*Note: I cut down a live Christmas tree and will never stop. They are the best and they smell better than the artificial ones, even with those fancy scentscicle things. Quite your PETA-ass whining.

WATCH THE ENTIRE SHORT FILM HERE AND THANK ME LATER: