Uncategorized

A Sonnet for Art the Clown

I unfortunately met Art the Clown

At a local pizza shop nearby

He sawed my friend’s body upside down

That medieval torture shit made me cry

His disgusting black teeth give me nightmares

His sketchy bag is full of god knows what

The way he sits silent when he stares

You know he’s about to fuck shit up

I never understood the fear of clowns

Their very purpose is to spread joy

But I understand why Art causes frowns

That mother fucker is here to destroy

So if you see Art lurking on the street

Rest assured its your maker you will meet

 

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Uncategorized

Red Vein Army Presents: Wicked Women of Richmond

 

February is a great month to drop hints to your man that you want a bouquet of chicken nuggets for Valentine’s Day. But it’s also Women in Horror Month!

I’m so excited to find out that Richmond’s own RED VEIN ARMY is hosting a lady horror event right in my own neighborhood at the end of this month.

The event is called Wicked Women of Richmond and will take place on Sunday, February 26 at Blue Bee Cider. It will feature a live podcast with Mouthy BroadCast from 4 – 6 pm. There will also be plenty of Red Vein haunters present to take photos with the crowd and lots of spooky prizes.

I’ll be there to cover the event and if it’s a total bust (which it won’t be), then at least I’ll still be able to get drunk. Horror, booze, and women – what’s not to love?

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horror, Seasonal Horror, Uncategorized

Yuletide Terrors Volume Two: A Christmas Horror Story

Anthology films. You love them as much as I do, right? For five years in a row I have culminated my annual 31 Nights of Horror with Trick ‘r Treat because I think anthology movies are the bees knees. You get multiple stories in one! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

That’s why I’m elated to review a modern holiday horror anthology, A Christmas Horror Story.

First, a pro tip: when you see a horror movie on Netflix that has higher than a two-star rating you need to pay attention. That means that many REAL people who aren’t amazing horror weirdos like us gave it a good review. This one currently has three stars. Well done.

A Christmas Horror Story features four blustery tales of wintry dismay that will give the whole family a reason to believe in holiday magic. With everything that happens, it seems you’re likely to have a shitty Christmas if you’re a resident of a town called Bailey Downs. Ghosts, changelings, zombies, and Krampus are indeed the reasons for the season.

The film is well made and entertaining, and the twist to one of the main four stories is pretty good. Some of the scenes are cheesy and laughable, but they are a wonderful homage to ridiculous horror premises and the Christmas horror trope in general. As Peter Sobczynski wrote for Rogerebert.com, “Once you’ve seen one homicidal elf, you’ve seen them all”. That’s why we love this genre, though, because anything and everything goes. But the biggest scene stealer of all is William Shatner looking like an adorable grandpa in a Christmas sweater as a radio DJ who gets increasingly hammered and presides over the stories.

This is a great movie to watch over Christmas weekend or, if you’re lucky enough to have one, during your Christmas vacation. It’s an easy watch and a great holiday tradition to start. I give it two Krampus thumbs up.

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Seasonal Horror

Yuletide Terrors Volume One: Treevenge

DISCLAIMER: If you don’t care about words and shit, I understand. Scroll all the way down to the bottom for the good stuff. Merry Christmas, you ungrateful bastard.

Dear Nerds,

I deeply apologize for my absence. After Halloween I pretty much go on a Thanksgiving bender until it’s suddenly December and I can’t remember how many leftover turkey sandwiches I’ve eaten. But I’m back. And today is my 30th birthday (shameless birthday plug).

If Halloween, horror, and turkey sandwiches are my first loves, Christmas doesn’t fall too far behind on the list. Hate all you want, but I am a sucker for tacky Christmas lights (follow my Instagram for photos of #ProjectTackyBalcony) and I just can’t get enough of Sharon Jones’ Christmas album (RIP).

When Christmas and horror collide it is truly a beautiful thing. Seasonal horror movies have been around for decades (thank you, Black Christmas) and there are so many wonderful Christmas horror movies that I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and share my favorites with you all month long.

I’m going to start off with a BANG because I take this shit seriously. I could’ve saved this entry for tiny, 8 lb baby jesus’ birthday as the centerpiece of this merry compilation, but I want to establish my street cred and you always have to take out the biggest mother fucker in the yard once you get into prison. Amirite?

Point is, show them that you mean business and the rest is gravy. Mmmm. Gravy. Omg..turkey. Mashed potatoes. Can it please be Thanksgiving every day?

Oh, right – the list. Starting this jolly ride into hell with my ALL. TIME. FAVORITE. Christmas horror movie. It comes from the fantastic and arguably criminally insane director Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun) and it’s called Treevenge. Yes. TREEVENGE.

Say it with me, you falalala loving maniacs, Tree-venge. If it were described by Tina Turner herself it would be simply the best. God damn, girl is a legendary performer.

Outer Space level craziness doesn’t even begin to describe this short film. At under 17 minutes long, it packs more punch, more gore, more camp, and more great one liners than most modern feature length efforts in the last 5 years.

If you are not a fan of outlandish, bizarre, and/or splatter movies, you are NOT the audience for Treevenge. If you love Troma Entertainment, Hobo with a Shotgun, and the basketball scene from Escape from L.A. (so what, it’s in Spanish), THIS IS THE SHORT FILM FOR YOU.

Treevenge is a 2007 short film about what happens when Christmas trees stop being polite, and start getting real. Real pissed, that is. Humans are the scum of the earth and we treat everything like shit. Including our most precious resources – Christmas trees. Imagine a world where you wake up on Christmas morning and instead of opening presents in your fucking one piece jammy jams you are greeted by a bloodthirsty tree hell bent on getting revenge on your sorry ass for allowing folks to chop him and his entire family down in his fucking home (the forest) so that you can put a stupid costume on him for 25 days until you let it brown out and die and throw him out. It’s barbaric!*

*Note: I cut down a live Christmas tree and will never stop. They are the best and they smell better than the artificial ones, even with those fancy scentscicle things. Quite your PETA-ass whining.

WATCH THE ENTIRE SHORT FILM HERE AND THANK ME LATER:

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31 Nights of Horror

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 20: Jeepers Creepers 2

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 20: Jeepers Creepers 2


More than three sentence review:

I think that when the original Jeepers Creepers came out I laughed it off because I couldn’t get past the silly name and the connection to the even sillier song. Fifteen years later, I feel like the “The Creeper” is now a legitimate and recognizable horror villain a la Jason and Freddy. Tonight’s review, however, is about the sequel which I personally like even more than the first installment. It’s what any iconic horror killer needs in a sequel – lots of teenagers and a high body count. Jeepers Creepers is a darker movie that took itself too seriously, and the sequel is the scary yet entertaining popcorn movie we all deserved. Yes, the sequel is definitely  better. I would guess that in the future – hell, probably even now – people will remember the sequel that took place entirely on a school bus more than they remember the first movie.

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31 Nights of Horror

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 12: Doug’s Halloween Adventure 

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 12: Doug’s Halloween Adventure


Three sentence review:

Get off this blog and head over to Hulu to watch Doug’s Halloween Adventure immediately! On Halloween night everyone’s favorite 90s middle schooler, Doug Funny (dressed as Race Canyon), must find the courage to battle the horrors inside Funkytown’s latest amusement park attraction, “Blood Stone Manor” (with Skeeter and Roger along for the scares). Classic Nickelodeon cartoons are always a good decision for Halloween episodes, and the most important Halloween lesson we learn from Doug, in my opinion, is that “you’re never too old for free candy”.

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31 Nights of Horror, Uncategorized

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 4: It (novel)

31 Nights of Horror V, Night 4: It (novel)


Three sentence review:

Everyone remembers Tim Curry’s iconic performance as Pennywise the Clown, but beyond that the 1990 made-for-tv adaptation of Stephen King’s daunting 1,000+ page novel It is just straight up garbage. The book is a MUST read that is a thousand times darker and complex, and is one of the best examples of Stephen King’s ability to let the reader really, really get to know his hyper realistic characters. The sinister history of Derry and every Loser Club member back story sticks with you long after you finish (as if it really happened), and I pray that director Andy Muschietti finally gives my all time favorite novel the quality film adaptation it sorely deserves.

How to get extra nerdy:

  1. Wear a leather jacket and tell everyone the moon is talking to you
  2. Wear a Derry, ME tshirt while reading
  3. Make your own newspaper sailboat!
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